Toxic Positivity: The Harmful Side of “Good Vibes Only”
Since the start of this global pandemic, research says there has been an increase in mental illness and conditions related to mental illness (yes, even in Jamaica). This has led many people to start putting their mental health above all else and while that is to be commended, some of the narratives around self care and mental health practices can be harmful.
Very often we hear the phrase “Good vibes only!” when it comes to the kind of energy people are allowing into their space. Many of us are becoming firmer about what we will and will not tolerate and I absolutely love this for us…but that’s not the part I’m here to talk about. What I really want to address in this post is the harmful side of the Good Vibes Only phenomenon. Like many other people, I adore ‘good’ vibes but are some of us using this phrase to stifle the authentic human experience? Are we telling people that they should exude nothing but positivity and if they feel otherwise, they can’t sit with us?
During a TED Talk, South African Psychologist Susan David posited that “the conventional view of emotions as good or bad [or] positive or negative is rigid, and rigidity in the face of complexity is toxic.” What I take from this is that emotions are and can be a lot more complicated than we think, they are not always one thing or another — it’s okay if you still think so right now, I had to learn the complexities of emotions through therapy and ancora imparo. What I’m getting at is, why are so many of us caught up in telling people that they should have good vibes only? Positivity and a positive mindset absolutely have their place but we cannot deny that during these uncertain times (and even in general), positivity isn’t always at the top of our list of feelings.
I have seen and heard of people pushing their natural emotions aside in an effort to appear strong not realizing that strength can also be found in allowing yourself to feel. Feeling your feelings (even if they are negative) can help you to work through them and ultimately help to improve your quality of life and the relationships you have with others. By forcing ourselves to conform to and expect “good vibes only” we add pressure to already strained emotional structures which can actually end up being detrimental to our mental health instead of maintaining it.
I can say this for sure because I used to allow that narrative to guide how I responded to pressures in my life. I hid my negative emotions and the soft parts of me in an effort to be accepted by others because I didn’t want to be the one to “ruin the vibes” or be accused of “focusing on the negative”. But bottling up your emotions can be even worse than feeling them (because sooner or later they will come out). Staying positive is hard and while I encourage looking at the bright side of things when we can, we have to ensure that being positive doesn’t mean we are practicing emotional avoidance. The line can be rather thin.
So how do we combat the dark side of “good vibes only”?
Note: It’s important that everyone reading this understands I’m not a therapist, but I do have experience in research on mental illness and human behaviour, which is what I’m using to guide me. I’m also sharing based on the recommendations that have worked for me from my own therapist.
First of all, we have to get comfortable with feeling through our emotions as they arise. I know this is easier said than done, especially given this fast-paced world we live in. If you can’t address what you feel at the time, try to make a mental note to come back to the emotion when you have the time and energy. Journaling has been a great way for me to work through my feelings but if that’s not for you or you can’t do this on your own, I suggest seeking the help of a qualified mental health professional.
Secondly, you have to take the time you need. Sometimes, you just don’t have the emotional capacity to be positive and that’s okay. Negative emotions are natural and should be treated as such. Take the time to yourself to let the emotion pass and don’t force yourself to feel emotions on anyone’s time but your own. Many times, we allow friends and/or partners to influence the pace at which we process because we all want to hurry up and get back to ‘normal’ but this shouldn’t be the case.
And finally, manage your expectations. When we are going through a depressive or anxious episode, we often have the expectation that the people in our lives should understand what we are feeling. Our friends should want to listen. Our partner should know what’s bothering us and know if we are overwhelmed. Our family should be okay with our distance. Even if during our positive times we are a rock for those around us, the unfortunate reality is that sometimes we will not get the same grace that we give and we have to learn to be okay with that. You won’t always be able to verbalize what we you’re feeling but it’s important to try. In an effort to manage your expectations (and those of others), communicate with the people in your life who might be affected by your emotions and let them know where your head is at. If you’re on the receiving end, clearly communicate if you can be a listening ear or shoulder to lean on and try to give updates if your availability changes based on your own circumstances.
We are all human and different emotions are a part of being alive. Good vibes are great but good vibes only? No. All vibes welcome.