Therapy is that bitch. Let me explain.

In hindsight, I have almost always had issues expressing myself and regulating my emotions. I never understood why I got so overwhelmed by seemingly ‘small things’ or took so long to get over painful experiences, and neither did the other kids I went to school with. Based on this, I was teased a lot by friends and foes alike, which later led me to deeply question the value of relationships and how they should be navigated. I have always been sensitive, kind and curious but living in a world that values toughness over sensitivity and selfishness over kindness, I sometimes lost my way, hurting myself and others in the process. I was also mostly known for my achievements and what I could do instead of for who I was. I was always a good idea and many people did not take the time to see me as anything deeper.

I was a high achiever. I learned to read from an early age and by the time I was 4 years old, I was reading openly in spaces like devotion at school in front of hundreds of other students. I was a straight A student in Primary school, placing first in many of my classes during my time there and that made some other students uncomfortable, which I never understood. I remember being placed in many clubs, societies, teams and groups simply because of how ‘bright’ I was. Nobody ever asked me if I desired these things or if I could handle the pressure that came with managing studies and extracurricular activities, but I took on every challenge with grace because I felt that’s what I was supposed to do. I never said no. I was an active people pleaser. By about grade 3, my straight A streak started to break and a lot of the attention I got went with it. Part of me loved this because now I could breathe but a part of me was terrified because I didn’t understand this new space at all. Why wasn’t I being awarded anymore? Why wasn’t I picked for teams? Why wasn’t I one of the favourites?

By the time high school rolled around, I was performing at less than my best and needless to say, my parents were not pleased. I got constant reminders of what I used to be able to do with not much attention being placed on what I was currently doing; my best. It’s not to say that my parents were bad people, they just were not able to see me as anything other than what they grew to know. High school saw me acting out, falling into the wrong crowds and drastically altering my perfect academic record. University came with its fair share of struggles and I remember absolutely trashing myself after failing a course in my first year*. All my life, my worth had been placed on these things that I could not see my way when I was not on that direct path.

I attended my first therapy session when I was about 19. I was extremely overwhelmed one semester at school and decided I would try to talk to someone about my feelings. I think I went to two sessions and skipped out on it after that, thinking I didn’t need it and could handle things myself. I had a love/hate relationship with therapy because I was of the view that you only go to therapy when something was wrong with you, and for all intents and purposes, nothing was wrong with me. I restarted therapy in my 20s after a few traumatic experiences and I realized that if I were to have any quality of life, therapy may have to be a part of that life.

I’ve explored areas of my past adult life through my therapist(s) but exploring childhood trauma is just as important because our formative years are what shapes us as adults. Due to some experiences during childhood and adolescence, I did not develop some of the necessary skills needed to thrive in some platonic and romantic relationships that came in adulthood. I agree I am not for everyone (none of us are), but truly sticking to the work has showed me sides of myself that I didn’t know existed or couldn’t appreciate for what they were. For instance, now I understand that I do not have to tie any amount of my self-worth to my scholastic, professional or personal achievements (or failures for that matter). I am so much more than a failing grade or a job or a degree. I have also learned that it’s okay to be soft and feminine and loveable. It’s okay to cry and it’s okay to laugh. While we do live in a world that can be ugly, we must remember that it can be beautiful too.

I’m using this medium (LOL) to share my thoughts, stories and feelings so I can help myself while helping others. There is more to come.