The Importance of Sharing the Load

I’ve experienced anxiety for as long as I can remember, I just wasn’t sure what it was when it started. My first few attacks are a little hazy now because I’ve been dealing with this for such a long time but I do remember they started while I was in high school. One of the attacks happened during a very rainy day. I’m talking torrential, almost apocalyptic downpour. I was on the way home from school with friends and we sought shelter in a nearby fast food restaurant to wait it out a bit before continuing on our journey. I can remember a lot of other people being inside the restaurant with us so while it should have been cool temperature-wise, it was actually warm and musty, the air almost stale. I was soaked all the way down to my socks and felt increasingly uncomfortable in my clothes and my body. I must have been thinking about how much discomfort I was in because the next thing I knew, my hands started shaking and I was having great difficultly breathing.

Another attack started coming on while in a very packed bus. Again it was a warm space with almost stale air so at least I was able to identify that as the trigger. I collapsed when I stepped off the bus and friends (and strangers) gathered around me to show their concern. I don’t remember who carried me but I know that when I came to I was in a doctor’s office being checked out. My friends assumed I had developed asthma because of how badly my breathing was affected but the doctor said I had no such ailment and gave me a clean bill of health. So what the hell was wrong with me?

It wasn’t until years later in adulthood that I finally got a diagnosis for what was happening to me.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

Anxiety and panic disorders can be very embarrassing because of how they manifest. My anxiety doesn’t always care where I am when it decides to set in so I’ve learned the importance of sharing the load. This means that I’ve maintained a support system, a group of people who understand my illness, how it manifests and what happens in my body when an attack comes along. It took me years to have this kind of support but now that I do, I am grateful that I am not alone. I struggle with both anxiety and depression, two illnesses that sometimes fuel each other which means that I can get stuck in a negative cycle if I’m not careful and will need help shaking it. For me, I speak openly about my mental illness, which helps to reduce its negative effects but there are specific people I can rely on to help me through the process when I’m having an episode. Many times, we just need to talk through what we are feeling so it can be released to make way for more positive feelings. I understand and appreciate that talking doesn’t work for everyone, nor does everyone desire to open up about their struggles. However, I find that holding it in makes things more difficult for me and the people around me so with the help of my therapists, I learned how to communicate what I feel while developing and maintaining healthy boundaries.

It’s important to note that sharing the load doesn’t mean that you are to put all of your issues onto other people. It’s more to get you comfortable with speaking about your journey, if you so decide. If you don’t want to involve friends and family or you don’t have a strong enough relationship with them where you feel safe, there are different ways to release your feelings so they don’t spill over into every area of your life. You can opt to journal your thoughts and feelings, speak out loud to yourself or find creative outlets so the feelings don’t stay inside. Of course I know this is often easier said than done and it’s important to be self aware so you know what you can handle and what you can’t. What I’m trying to say is that you don’t ever have to go through it alone. You are worthy of support and care simply because you exist.

Since I have been opening up more about my issues, I have realized even more that I am not alone. Also, I have found that me speaking up gave others the courage to be open about their struggles and seek help for it. If me being open means I can help someone else stay alive, then I will stand firmly in my purpose. I want to be able to continue on this journey so I have been consistent with trying to take care of myself (even on the difficult days) so I don’t pour from an empty cup. It’s always important to take care of yourself before/so you can care for others.

We’re all in this together. And that’s really the best part.