Shame and the Things That Make Us Feel It
“Why are we ashamed when we didn’t do these things to ourselves?”
This is a question I’ve had to ask myself multiple times over the course of the past few weeks. I’m going through a period in my life where I’m aiming to address behaviours and feelings from my past that would have affected my quality of life and the relationships I would have tried to maintain up until now. The quote above was born out of a recent conversation with a loved one after writing my last post and it sparked something in me. Since then I have been in the throes of figuring out my feelings around my childhood (and adult) trauma and trying to understand who I am underneath all that pain. It’s been scary having to peel back the layers of myself and my identity and I’ve made some missteps in the process, which unfortunately would have added to the shame that I’ve been carrying my entire life. But why am I so ashamed when these feelings could be considered par for the course?
Before I dig deeper, I knew it was important that I understood why I needed to do this exercise with myself. It was also important that I remember to remain focused on the end goal. Ultimately, I want to nurture the parts of myself that would have been neglected or pushed aside based on my childhood and adolescent experiences. For example, I want to remain sensitive because although I may feel pain deeper than others do, I also feel everything that is good and pleasant and warm with a similar amount of depth. I want to keep having an active mind because although it betrays me sometimes, it also comes up with amazing and creative ideas. I want to remain intense and passionate because while I might have hurt the feelings of others, I’ve also been able to protect and love fiercely.
The aim is not to turn my back on the bits and pieces that I want to change but rather to learn how to live with them in a way that doesn’t hinder my growth as a person; in a way that doesn’t stop me from experiencing love and life as I know I am destined to. I also have to accept that these roots will not be able to go away but they can be pruned and managed. I didn’t realise just how much shame I was lugging around in my mind and body until I was forced to interrogate my actions and feelings by another loved one. Why do I sometimes retreat at the idea of closeness and vulnerability? Why do I sometimes allow negative self talk to run wild in my mind? Why am I having trouble with forgiveness?
Until recently, it didn’t dawn on me that I was allowing my painful past to dictate how the present and future should unfold. I thought that because I didn’t actively think about many these wounds, that they had somehow healed themselves over the course of my life. I was incorrect. I’d been battling with these feelings for so long that I sometimes could not identify where old wounds ended and new ones began. I made the declaration to look more closely at these parts and soon after doing so I received a word from God. This was incredibly surreal to me as it was unfolding because I don’t consider myself to be deeply religious but based on how it happened, I do not believe I need to complicate it by finding another, more logical explanation. While opening myself up with meditation and prayer, the message I received was “You can’t live in your freedom with the shackles of the past on your feet”.
I took this to mean that if I didn’t confront these things, I won’t be able to express myself in my own unique way, I won’t be able to love myself and others in the way I’d truly like and I would remain stuck where I am, unable to reconnect with my true self. If the goal is to understand myself without these dark parts and to experience a different kind of life, then I must take this as my cue to release the things I’ve been subconsciously holding on to; the things that have often made me burst at the seams.
The thing about shame is that it’s one of the hardest things to shake. People have built entire lives around shame so when it’s time to shed it, a lot us either won’t know where to begin or struggle greatly to keep going after we’ve started. Shame can fuel other negative feelings like anxiety, depression, panic and anger. “Shame makes us direct our focus inward and view our entire self in a negative light.”
I’ve felt a tremendous amount of shame around things like family life, achievements and even my own health, simply because I hadn’t learned how to work through my feelings from an early age. In order to combat shame, it must be acknowledged, dissected, separated from your core self and released. Much of this is easier said than done and I know the journey doesn’t end here. There is sometimes unspeakable pain in the details of inner work and self interrogation but there can also be incredible beauty and I can’t wait to see who I turn out to be.